Mothers Who Have Lost...

Mothers who have lost a child/children endure gut-wrenching pain. Pain can be ennobling and inspiring. There are times when pain can cause us to mature in character. At least; this is what I kept telling myself after my two babies (ages one and two) were taken from me in 1998 via their father. (They never came home by the way and are 14 and 15 today).

I still think of them as the precious babies I dedicated to God just before they were taken from me. It takes my breath away to think of them as teenagers... I simply can't. I have two baby books filled with empty pages; pages that were meant to be filled with so many memories and milestones; like their first smile, their first tooth, their first word, their first step, their first day in school, etc.

I wanted the pain I felt physically, mentally and spiritually to help me to mature in character. That was my desire. That would be a good thing I kept telling myself if that were indeed the end result of this horrific tragedy. I wanted so much to be inspired somehow by what happened and to inspire others... I wanted to help other moms who had lost a child/children to know it is possible to go on in the midst of unspeakable pain.

However, this process of maturing via pain is not easy; not easy at all. Since the taking of my children, I do not feel mature in character at times. In fact, I feel less mature in character much of the time. I often do not feel generous in spirit as I once did. I feel cheated and want to hold onto whatever I have left to hold on to. I do not feel hopeful and full of faith as I once did. To be honest, I feel self-centered at times. I feel impoverished physically, mentally and spiriturally at times too. The truth is that pain can make us tired and weak. It can make us depressed, anxious and fearful. Pain can and does make us feel many of the emotions I have expressed above.

Nobody says this really. Nobody wants to say this, but it is true. For women, I do not believe there is any greater pain we can experience than losing a child/children; a precious child/children we carried inside our own bodies. Only God who created and 'knew' our precious babies before they were even formed in our wombs can mend our utterly broken hearts. David said in Psalms "When my heart overwhelms me; lead me to the rock that is higher than I". There is no other place to turn in my opinion.

To every mother who has lost a child in any way, I want to tell you I understand your deep pain and I encourage you to look to God for help to heal day by day by day. Healing is a very slow process and one that does not come easily. I try to focus on the fact that God says he is the author and finisher of my faith. To that end, I have to believe that he has not allowed anything (no matter how terrible or tragic) to happen in my life that will 'ultimately' destroy me or his purpose for my life.
May God bless every mother who has lost a child/children; especially as they 'remember' on Mother's Day.

I also want to say to all women, who like myself, have been robbed of their precious womb and other vital sex organs... I understand the trauma and pain you endure on every level every day. I always thought the worst pain I would ever know would be the pain of having my precious babies taken from me.

Then, I met a gynecologist who changed my life forever and in ways I could never have imagined. I lost many years with my youngest babies only to have a sociopath gynecologist sterilize me without my consent; ensuring I could never pursue the happiness of becoming pregnant and giving birth again. There are no words... The loss is so great. My heart is overwhelmed; overwhelmed for me and for so many women like me.

So... I look to God; the author and finisher of my faith. I know that he is angry with the doctors who  rob women of their God-given wombs and I know God will repay. He says he will. I do want to add as a final note that there is one bright light in my life and that light is my oldest son. Raising him gave me the will to go on when I didn't have it. He is a precious young man and I'm so proud of him. I'm so thankful for him. Mother's Day is bitter-sweet. Although much is bitter and deeply hurtful for me; I am thankful for the sweet - my oldest son.