You're Not a Victim If You Take Action!

You're Not a Victim If You Take Action!

You're not a victim if you take action - some kind of action.

And while contacting the police, lawyers, other women, lawmakers, etc. might make me feel less like a victim externally, more important to me is the necessity of no longer feeling like a victim internally. I have never allowed myself to assume the role of victim. I don't want to do that now.

And for me, that means to write. The way I process, heal and communicate is through my written words. Ultimately, as negative and painful as the experience of being hysterectomized and castrated was for me, it's made me connect with and understand who I am.. Who I AM at the deepest level of my being.

When my former doctor took the violent actions he did against me, something was taken from me in that instant: my value and my worth. As a human being. As a woman.

In that moment, I was nothing more than an object that happened to possess the pieces (the body parts) necessary to make money for that doctor (and that hospital). In that moment, I was treated as property (though never purchased) that he felt he had the right and ability to touch and use for his own purpose.

In that moment... I had no voice, no thoughts, no feelings, no soul, no mind, no emotions, no power and no potential. I only had legs and what lived between them. And he felt entitled to that; entitled to take something so precious and protected from me without actually knowing or caring anything about me. I hardly knew that doctor. I met him less than two months before he violated me and subsequently ruined my life.


This is how I call it what it is:

Ugly. Violent. Shameful. Unacceptable. Wrong. Immoral. Evil.

This is how I accept it for what it is:

Painful. Hurtful. Discriminatory. Disrespectful. Gut-Wrenching. Haunting.

This is how I soften it, reign it in, make peace with it, and turn it into something I can at least live with and not lose my sanity completely.

I feel. I connect. I cry. I learn. I speak. I fight. I write.

My horror in this situation is matchless to anything I have ever experienced before. I no longer stand and cry like a child though. I remember my strength and I yell like a woman. And then I remember that I do not yell only for my own sake, but for the sake of millions of other women. I yell my story. I yell our story.

Never before have I been in the position of knowing what it feels like to have something taken from me in such a horrific and barbaric way.

Until now.

'THE RAPE'

I can't explain the devastation, the utter sadness and deep sense of loss that settled into my heart and soul the morning I woke up and realized I had been gutted and castrated. I no longer felt the need to function as I once did; as a human being. I felt more like a paper doll, flat and empty. I knew on some level that I was still a human being but it did not feel that way anymore. I would never feel that way again.

I titled this post 'RAPE' because that is what they did to me - the doctor and all who assisted him. They RAPED me in the most violent way. I re-live it day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day. A nurse put me to sleep through my IV without telling me and they whisked me away to an operating room, strapped me down to a cold table and spread my legs apart and proceeded to amputate six healthy functioning organs from my body. I said NO. I didn't need this surgery. I said NO. I did not sign for this surgery. I said NO. I said NO. I said NO. I said NO. I said NO. The doctor and O.R. team did not care that I said NO. They stole my soul that day. I woke up in complete devastation; mentally, physically and spiritually.

It's been over three years and I'm no better. I'm worse. I walk around like a zombie - like a dead woman walking. I don't feel like a person. Nothing is the same. Nothing makes sense. Songs I once loved don't make sense anymore. The sky is not blue any longer and the birds don't sing; at least I no loner hear them... They make noise to me now. I feel like I live in some type of alternate world; some type of hell on earth that only those who have been through what I've been through know about.

Doctors who RAPE women as I was RAPED are criminals. Hospitals give them a place to commit their crimes. They act as agents. This is so evil and yet it's true. I melt into my bed at night on the nights I can sleep at all and pray I don't wake up. John Cougar once sang "Life goes on even after the thrill of living is gone." My life has gone on but it is not worth living. I'm completely empty and feel nothing but pain and emptiness.

I pray that God will use me and what's happened to me to help stop other women from having to endure the gut-wrenching trauma I live with day and night. If I can't make a difference for other women, then I'd rather not be here. My sole purpose and focus now is to try to stop this mutilating, destructive, senseless surgery called HYSTERECTOMY.

Please, if you are reading this post, tell every woman you know about the true consequences of HYSTERECTOMYAND CASTRATION. Don't be silent. This matters too much. Tell someone; even a stranger. It doesn't matter who you tell. Just TELL. Keep telling until this barbaric mutilation of women ends.

I Woke Up a Different Person

I watched a 48 Hours Mystery this past weekend and it prompted me to do a lot of thinking about crime, suffering, justice, injustice, etc. The story, based on a true story, was a sad one as usual... There was a young couple out on a date taking pictures of a beautiful full moon when, out of nowhere, a young man appeared and shot them both several times and left them for dead. The young woman survived against all odds.

My boyfriend watched this story along with me and he continually commented about how the 'bastard' that shot them should be killed. He wanted the young man's family to have closure and the young woman who survived to receive closure/justice. He was so upset about how this young couple was attacked for no reason and lives turned upside down; people who were happy and trusting were now angry, sad and depressed.

I began thinking about how what happened to me via hysterectomy was even worse than what this young couple endured. People don't see it that way though. They don't see it that way because a doctor committed a crime against me; not just your everyday 'ordinary criminal'. And... this is important... What happened to me did not happen out in the woods or the side of the road but IN A HOSPITAL; a place where one should be able to reasonably expect help and/or healing.

I remember clearly the police officer I spoke with about what happened to me telling me that my case was 'CIVIL' because it happened in a hospital and it was a doctor who had me knocked out against my will and stole my organs. I have been the victim of rape twice in my life. I was in a bank robbery with a man holding a gun and a bomb. These were horrific crimes but they happened at the hands of someone I did not know or trust and they happened in places where one could reasonably expect a crime to take place. For this reason, I survived the rapes and hold-up much better than the unconsented hysterectomy and castration.

In my case, I had no reason to expect that a doctor would remove six of my healthy organs; especially without my consent. Talk about being horrified beyond words.... I still am. I don't know if I will ever be able to put down in type what this horrific crime against me by a trusted doctor has done to me. I need closure and justice just like the woman in the 48 Hours Mystery story needed closure and justice.

Society does not recognize hysterectomy and castration as a horrible injustice against women. Every minute of every day in hospitals across the U.S., women are being gutted and castrated for money. 90% of hysterectomies performed are medically unnecessary.  Women are too often 'forced' into this surgery by their trusted doctors. Many women, like myself, do not even consent and yet their life-sustaining organs are 'stolen' anyway. Sadly, women are left to find a way to cope in a situation where there is no cure or 'fix'. It's devastating......

I want to state a very bold fact about hysterectomy that most do not consider. Other than brain surgery, hysterectomy is the only surgery that can truly change who you are; who you have been your entire life. You can have a limb amputated but you are still the same person inside. You can be burned terribly and disfigured but you are still the same person inside. I could give countless examples here but my point is that hysterectomy removes not just a part of you; it removes YOU.

I woke up from surgery and immediately knew I was not the same person. It has been more than three years and I grow further away from that person more and more every day. If I could have one wish it would be to have my female (sex) organs back and to be the woman I was before hysterectomy altered my life forever.

Every organ in a woman's body; including the brain, heart, thyroid gland, etc. needs hormones to function properly. There are over 400 receptor sites in a woman's body that must have hormones tell them what to do and when to do it. When these hormones are taken via hysterectomy and castration; a woman's body is violently thrown into total chaos and havoc. Every organ is affected. The body is devastated.... Worst of all, there is no way to 'fix' it.

A woman's personality changes. Emotions are blunted. Life becomes dull. I feel like the walking dead. God never intended for women to live without the womb he gave them or their five other sex organs. When doctors amputate these life-sustaining organs, they are deciding your future. I did not chose the future I now have to face. I would never have chosen the hell that is now my life and will be forever. There is no going back. The damage is permanent.

Please consider personality change when considering a hysterectomy and then run......