I can't explain the devastation, the utter sadness and deep sense of loss that settled into my heart and soul the morning I woke up and realized I had been gutted and castrated. I no longer felt the need to function as I once did; as a human being. I felt more like a paper doll, flat and empty. I knew on some level that I was still a human being but it did not feel that way anymore. I would never feel that way again.
I titled this post 'RAPE' because that is what they did to me - the doctor and all who assisted him. They RAPED me in the most violent way. I re-live it day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day. A nurse put me to sleep through my IV without telling me and they whisked me away to an operating room, strapped me down to a cold table and spread my legs apart and proceeded to amputate six healthy functioning organs from my body. I said NO. I didn't need this surgery. I said NO. I did not sign for this surgery. I said NO. I said NO. I said NO. I said NO. I said NO. The doctor and O.R. team did not care that I said NO. They stole my soul that day. I woke up in complete devastation; mentally, physically and spiritually.
It's been over three years and I'm no better. I'm worse. I walk around like a zombie - like a dead woman walking. I don't feel like a person. Nothing is the same. Nothing makes sense. Songs I once loved don't make sense anymore. The sky is not blue any longer and the birds don't sing; at least I no loner hear them... They make noise to me now. I feel like I live in some type of alternate world; some type of hell on earth that only those who have been through what I've been through know about.
Doctors who RAPE women as I was RAPED are criminals. Hospitals give them a place to commit their crimes. They act as agents. This is so evil and yet it's true. I melt into my bed at night on the nights I can sleep at all and pray I don't wake up. John Cougar once sang "Life goes on even after the thrill of living is gone." My life has gone on but it is not worth living. I'm completely empty and feel nothing but pain and emptiness.
I pray that God will use me and what's happened to me to help stop other women from having to endure the gut-wrenching trauma I live with day and night. If I can't make a difference for other women, then I'd rather not be here. My sole purpose and focus now is to try to stop this mutilating, destructive, senseless surgery called HYSTERECTOMY.
Please, if you are reading this post, tell every woman you know about the true consequences of HYSTERECTOMYAND CASTRATION. Don't be silent. This matters too much. Tell someone; even a stranger. It doesn't matter who you tell. Just TELL. Keep telling until this barbaric mutilation of women ends.
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What you have wrote is very powerful and moving and puts into words what many victims of the medical mutilation machine experience. I feel your pain. I know the devastation now and how the world has lost its color. I can still see the colors and hear the sounds of life, but feel that I exist on the edge of life no longer alive but not physically dead either. Victims' Purpose Now: Warn other women of the evils of hysterectomy/castration that is fueled by greed and callous disregard for a woman's body and what "they" decide is best for her that profits a doctor or hospital's bank account. This does feel like rape. I live in constant pain and swollen weak legs limping with a cane. The daVinci robot takes twice as long and causes electrical burns. My spirit will live on and my body will cease to exist some day, but I learned an important lesson. Never trust a doctor, especially a gynecologist, who will say anything and lie and frighten in the interest of profitable mutilation. A good website for informed consent and what will happen physically and mentally and emotionally is www.hersfoundation.org/anatomy
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